I LOVE games. I LOVE competition. I would like to say I love games and competition of any kind, but that’s simply not true. Strategy games and I only get along if I’m good at them and know the odds are in my favor.  Sorry Hasbro, but the one dreaded game that comes to mind is always RISK. I only ever remember playing the game of RISK once, and I doubt whether or not I even finished the game. On the contrary, thank you, Hasbro, one of my favorite childhood board games was LIFE. I could play LIFE every day and not get tired of settling in my comfortable Countryside Acres home with my husband, three children, and comfortable retirement bank account. My LIFE was SAFE. Pretty predictable every time. I always drove the green car, went to college, purchased a middle-class home, chose a sensible career and followed the same paths. (Can you guess whether or not I ever took out a bank loan or played using the stock cards? Who knows—those cards probably even got mysteriously lost from the box…)

What I have realized about myself through this game analogy is not that I don’t like playing the strategy games. Strategizing is one thing that I do very well–the playing part is fun. What often drives me away from ever even starting a strategical game is the risk and fear of losing. If I avoid playing, I inevitably avoid losing.

When I first arrived at RG, there was another young missionary who told her story of how she ended up here. To summarize and paraphrase her words, God told her to walk away from where she was, get in the car and go. No real idea of the destination. No real plan. I admired her courage and strength and was inspired by her ability to trust the Lord. In the back of my mind, I thought a little prayer saying, “Lord, that sounds terrifying, so please don’t ever make me go through that.” For the past few months, this same thought and prayer has made its way to the forefront of my mind and has rolled around tirelessly. Figuratively, I tried running while screaming NO NO NO. Didn’t help. I pretended like I couldn’t hear the whispers and instead, made excuses and justifications. I didn’t feel like I had any other place to go where the Lord was calling me, but I also didn’t feel a strong sense to stay put. So, I convinced myself “why make a change when I’ve got a good thing going, right?!” I was avoiding thinking or talking about decisions, because I was content staying relatively comfortable. I stayed like this for several months, until a few days ago when I received a friendly call from the one of the RG directors…”Hey Kelsey, we leave for the US in a few days, and I’d like to just chat today or tomorrow about your plans for the future. Do you have some time?” Casual. No big deal. But I felt like I had just gotten a punch to the gut. Although, I STILL panicked and asked for a meeting the next day, trying to buy another few ounces of time, I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t deny it any more. That evening I was listening to music and a song came on by Moriah Peters and the lyrics said, “Caught a glimpse of Your grace, and I’m sure I heard You say, pack your bags, take your cross, count everything as loss.” I had to walk. I knew I had to pack. The song continues, “I can feel my heart beat for the first time, and I stand alone for the last time, now I know love costs my whole life, but my heart’s all in and it’s all right. To leave it all behind.” Every word was true for me. I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t have the slightest clue what will come next, but I felt liberated–a sense of confidence, freedom, and peace in my decision. The song continued to reflect my heart: “I’m not afraid. I’m unashamed. I won’t wait to leave it all behind. To leave it all, take a leap and all of me, I believe is worth the sacrifice to leave it all behind.” I had been VERY afraid of the risk. I had felt VERY ashamed of choosing to leave. I had been VERY hesitant, claiming I was being “patient”.  Along with the many tears (and temper tantrums), I have also seen and felt several confirmations about this decision. There are many things that I feel like the Lord is now revealing to me because I took that first step of letting go and walking away. Things that look so obvious, like I clearly should’ve realized them long ago. Aren’t we funny that way though? All these “duh” moments that are finally happening, because I finally chose to listen to the whispers.

Over and over again, I kept seeing or hearing these words in various places—emails, conversations with family and friends, devotions, books, etc. FAITH, BOLD, TRUST, & RISK. The words were not always in the same phrase or in the same order, or even in the same sentences, but they were EVERYWHERE. I couldn’t run away from them. It was almost comical how hard I tried to ignore seeing and hearing those words and how they chased me even more so. I didn’t want to think about those words and what they mean. Finally, one day I was journaling as I do when I can’t get my thoughts together. I usually let myself just write anything that comes to mind and let my stream of consciousness flow without trying to guide the writing at all. As I read the journal entry again a few days later, I was amazed at what I had to teach myself. I realized how much the weight of worrying what other people think of me is affecting me. It was extremely humbling to realize how much I cared how I’m viewed. I know very well that you won’t always please everyone and that’s okay. Difference of opinion makes the world go ‘round. But interestingly, I feel like I’ve never had to confront this issue. It’s usually only one or two people that have disagreed with me at one time—it has never been a majority of people opposing me. (At least that’s how I felt and still feel.) The majority of my life has always been full of acceptance and support from loved ones as well as acquaintances. I’ve also never experienced such a time where I’ve felt so passionately about something that opposes the mainstream of those around me.

On 4-Oct-2017 my journal reads:

• I fear disappointment
• I fear failure.
• I fear regret.
• I fear rejection.
• I fear making the wrong decision.
• I fear the consequences.
• I fear unhappiness.
• I fear the unknown.

faith is BOLD.

trust is RISK.

No one has made it into the history books or Bible by being timid, shy and following the crowd.

I came into this world with nothing but a loving Father and loving parents.
Why do I fear losing what I think I’ve earned or rightfully deserve? I need to get rid of the picture I have for my life and look at God’s picture. I need to stop checking things off my list and check them off of God’s. I need to discern the cultural pressures or pressures from this world and listen to God’s prompting instead.

I read it again later as a pep talk to myself. “You have all of these fears which are dictated by your insecurity with other humans. But faith is BOLD and trust is RISK. So be courageous and ruffle some feathers for the Lord. You were graciously born into a loving family. You came into the world with nothing but love, so use what you were given to boldly leave all your love on the line for others.” And my own previous journal entry was what I needed to realize what I had to do.

So. Step one is complete. Do I have any clue where to go from here? Not really. Do I know what my life will look like next week, next month, or next year? No idea. Do those fears of how people will react to  these choices continually try and creep back into my mind? Almost hourly. I keep joking that I would prefer to have God write my plans on a sticky note and post it on my door. (I wouldn’t really because I know the best road is almost never the easy road.) Here I am. Taking things day by day, moment by moment. Attempting to rely of God’s timing to reveal my next moves. I will say confidently that I am passionate about education and believe that God has designed that to continue to be part of my ministry. Also, I still very much feel like Uganda is “my country”. I don’t yet know where, when, how, etc. I ask that you continue to pray for guidance and wisdom from the Lord as He reveals His plans for me. I ask that you continue to pray that I will be able to discern God’s desires for me rather than my own personal human desires.

I am grateful for your graciousness toward me on this journey to which I don’t have a map and the destination is unknown. Thank you for continual support and trust in my diligence and obedience to the Lord. To those of you that may be reading and are financial supporters of my ministry, thank you for your faithfulness in giving. I request that you pause your contributions for now. For sure I will be communicating more about this as soon as I am able.

To all of the people who are a part of the RG family—those that live here or have lived here in UG, those who visit, and those who love and support RG in any other way: I will always love RG and desire to continue being a part of this body of believers. This experience has changed my life in more ways than I even know. More importantly, this community and family has furthered the Kingdom of God in greater ways than the eye can even see. Although my role in this family may be changing at this time, I am honored for the time I’ve had and look forward to the things to come for RG.

Now, until I reach the Millionaire Acres in heaven, I want to boldly live by faith and trust that God is behind all risk.

Thank you, RG. Thank you, family and friends. Thank you, God.

Amari matek,

Kelsey